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I’m not a fan of tasting menus, neither as a cook nor as a customer. I don’t like them in the kitchen because they mess up service. And I don’t like them as a customer because, simply put, they are just plain wrong.

An average diner orders an appetizer and a main course. While the appetizer is being made, and then sent out to the table, preparation for the main course begins. Main courses take longer than appetizers to prepare because they contain the big portions of protein that need time to cook – duck, steak, pork, etc. If a customer orders a main course straight up, foregoing an appetizer, they usually are in for a bit of a wait.

So, it’s a busy night and the kitchen is working on this system: get the apps out, start the mains, get the mains out, and so on. Then along comes a six course tasting menu.

“Hello,” says the long winding chit, “you’ll be staring at me on the board for the rest of the goddamn night.” The night turns into: get the apps out, send the first course and start the second, start the mains, send the second course and start the third, get the mains out, send the third course and start the fourth... blah, blah, blah.

Most Chefs would disagree with me on this; they love tasting menus. Tasting menus are usually composed of things that are not on the regular menu. You want the customer to feel special and important, so all these courses magically appear from some secret planet with no relation to the menu. It’s as if you go to La Traviata and demand to hear Nessun Dorma.

Getting to work, on what will already be a busy Saturday night, gets even more hectic when you’re prepping all this other bullshit for a bunch of bullshit tastings for a bunch of bullshitters excited by the prospect of participating in some bullshit fad that should be passé by now.

Doesn’t the menu mean anything anymore? The Chef thinks long and hard about what he will put on his a la carte menu. He needs dishes that people will order, he needs ingredients that he knows will be fresh and readily available and he needs to think of the work each dish requires so he doesn’t bog down his staff with ridiculous, finicky preparations.

Then there are the specials. Customers like to hear the specials lovingly described by their server. They are called specials because they are special. You can’t get them any other night, they are made special for you, and you feel special when you order them.

They are also there so the chef and crew don’t get bored putting out the same food night after night. They give us a chance to experiment with different ingredients and processes and enable us to put leftovers to more creative use than staff meal.

Recently, our Sous-Chef, Milton Tanswell, made a paté (his grandmother’s recipe) with cognac, dry sherry and lots of sage and thyme for an appetizer special. It was a perfect paté, but he made a lot of it, and we only sold a few orders.

Our Head Chef, David Chrystian, decided to use it in a different preparation the next night. For the meat special he sandwiched the pate and a wild mushroom duxelle inside seared beef tenderloin, then wrapped it in phyllo. For plating, it was cut in half so the customer could see and smell the oozing pate, wild mushrooms and perfect medium rare beef. To counter the richness, David served it with a simple, organic arugula salad (Antony John and Tina Van Denheuvel had just delivered some dazzling baby arugula that day from their company, Soiled Reputation). It was a beautiful dish and we sold out quickly.

That’s all you need, right? A tantalizing well thought out menu and a few specials featuring exotic, interesting ingredients. Perfect. But then Thomas Keller comes along and now every customer thinks that if he’s not treated like Caligula then he’s not being treated right. Customers do not need seventeen courses with wine pairings in order to enjoy a night out at a restaurant. You can’t really taste anything after the first few dishes anyway; the palate gets tired and bogged down with all the salt, fat and booze. That’s what I think, but not everyone agrees with me.

Adam Bishop, Sous-Chef at Mess Hall in Montréal, is a proponent of the many courses. “I like it because it gets diners into dining again. It’s not about get in – get out. When you sit down for a tasting you commit and I don’t think there’s anything sexier than sitting down to a meal for three hours or more.”

Claudio Aprile, Head Chef at Senses says, “The a la carte menu doesn’t require as much attention to balance and form that is needed when you’re doing fourteen courses.” Fourteen courses: he likes the tasting menu. “The tasting is a way for a Chef to convey his food style. When you’re conceptualizing a tasting you have to eat every course together and separately to establish whether it’s balanced or not. Each dish should be able to stand on its own and be able to work with the other dishes. If it’s done properly I think it’s an incredible experience but if it isn’t it can be quite agonizing.”

I’ve been on the receiving end of a few tasting menus and, while I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I would have been happier with just the two or three traditional courses. By the halfway mark I find myself getting woozy and almost sick with gluttony, scanning the periphery of the room for the vomitorium - hey, Caligula had ‘em, let’s bring ‘em back. Each time the server approaches with a new dish I pray it’s the last. Whatever outfit I’m wearing becomes as constricting as the hand of God and I feel I will never be able to eat again. By the time the bill comes I already have a hangover.

Customers should put their focus back on the menu and the specials, that’s enough. You don’t need more than that you greedy, f***ing pigs.

-Ad-

Ivy Knight is a Toronto-based writer and chef. She is currently Tournand at Joy Bistro with Chef David Chrystian.

READ MORE IVY AT GREMOLATA:

A Dinner for Like-Minded Individuals: Ivy and the Chefs Cook for Themselves

Blind Wine Tasting: Ivy Gets the Critics to Guess

Moonshine Island: Ivy brings more than potatoes back from PEI

Anthony Walsh, You’re My Hero: Ivy profiles her favourite chef

Toiling in Chocolate Trenches: Ivy tries being a pastry chef

Parkdale is the New Black: Ivy defends her 'hood from latte drinking yuppie scum

The Perfect Sandwich: Ivy finds out how good two pieces of bread and a filling can be

Email Ivy at ladyslenderlegs@gmail.com